Looking Ahead

Exactly a month ago today I posted to this blog whining about getting old. Shame on me! There a much worse lots in life than aging.
A lot has happened since then, both good and not so good. It is amazing to me how much stress life can put in your life. Sometimes it's like fighting a losing battle and other times it is like hearing joyous music. One of the biggest things going on right now is that my dad is getting out of the "skilled nursing facility" (translate = glorified nursing home) where he has been living in since January.
This event brings about a lot of changes for all involved, though primarily for my brother and his family. For a number of reasons Dad going to his house is the logical path right now, not the least of which is the nursing background my brother has and his understanding of all that entails for dad. My brothers daughters will be built in therapy for Dad as much as they were for Mom, and I hope being in a household setting will be even greater therapy for him.
There are a lot of factors that are daunting for us to consider - though I wonder if they are not even more so for Dad. Mostly for him, there will be a freedom and a comfort that I don't think he has had since the accident. A freedom from being confined and separated from family and a comfort in the fact that those caring for him are truly concerned for him and not just paid to look after him. I hope that these factors will really jump start his progress and that he will continue to move toward the fullest extent of his recovery as possible. It has been a long road for him to get this far and the road still stretches a long way ahead of him but maybe he will close the gap to his destination a little more quickly now.

I'm Feeling Old. . .

Two days ago I hit the "half way to 90" birthday. I don't think of my self as being that old, but my birth date doesn't lie. I always thought people my age were grown up and mature. I don't feel that way, are you sure I'm Ahem! years old? It was ok when my husband turned Ahem! years old because he is older then me (by 9 mos.) and it was ok when my brother-in-law turned Ahem! years old because he too is older than I. I am just having a hard time dealing with me being Ahem! years old. I've had several people tell me "Oh but you don't look that old" but sometimes just knowing that I am Ahem! makes me feel old. My heart and my mind are still young - even teenage sometimes but then reality hits and bam! I'm Ahem! again. Next year when I'm Ahem! +1, I will be fine and won't have that feeling again until the next milestone birthday - You know . . . the half way to 100 birthday.

i just had a thought . . . and no it didn't hurt too much.

Maybe this is all tied to the whole mortality thing. People in my familiy generally live into 80's and 90's and I am realizing that I am half way through my life. It's been a good half so far and maybe I just need to look forward to the next half being as fun, exciting, challenging and thrilling as the last half has been. Hmmm, I do have good thoughts every now and then!

Too Old to Color????

I've written before about the admirable qualities of children. Now I am wondering about a certain child-like trait of my own. I love to color. I have always loved the black line drawings, however simple or complicated that populate coloring books. I love finding really cool pictures in unusual places, just begging to be brought alive with flashes of color. Right now I am drawn (no pun intended) to kaleidoscope drawings and "stained glass" designs. There is a town not too far away, know for antiques and arts and crafts, where the General Store sometimes carries coloring books with drawings of by-gone days. These are nice, but I really like those geometric designs where I can devise repeating patterns or go abstractly crazy with no pattern in mind. I love to sit down with my nieces and color - my color choices are a little more "safe" than theirs (I do love the fearless abandon with which kids color dogs green and purple and make the sky yellow). For me, coloring is a relaxing escape from the pressures that life can bring and reminds me of the fun of childhood.

It's Just Not There!

There is something inside me trying to get out. I can't put my finger on it but it is there. I need to "spill my guts" but there's no guts to spill. When ever I post I usually have something to share or something to say but not today. Today I just feel like I'm supposed to tell you something but it just isn't there. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be more inspiring.

A Postscript to Previous Post

Often people talk about "Circle of Life" especially at times of sadness like funerals. Well today I am privileged to see it in action. This morning was the funeral of my sister's father-in-law and at noon we found out that my husband's nephew's wife is in the hospital with the delivery of their second child imminent. Truly, the book of one person's life is closing and another's is just beginning to be written. I know it can seem trite or even hokey, but when you see it happen in your life ,you just have to stop and marvel at how God really does work these things out.

The Eyes of a Child

Today has been a day like few others. It began with attending the funeral of my sister's father-in-law. My sister has been married for over 15 years so I have know her FIL for a long time. He has been ill for quite a while and although it is comforting that he is no longer suffering the effects of his loss on those closest to him is evident. My sister was concerned about how her 2 young daughters would take the loss of their beloved Pappy. As is usually the case with children, they have handled it so beautifully. After the initial surprise wore off, they were excited at the prospect of Pappy being in Heaven, wondered if he would fly around like the angels, and what he would have for breakfast in Heaven. As the funeral approached my sister was concerned about whether or not they should attend and if people crying would upset them. She and I discussed it and she sought the advice of other family members. Well both the almost 6 year old (b-day next week) and the 4 year old were there this morning. I asked my sister how the girls were doing and she nearly cried to tell me this. She said that they girls had come to the funeral home with their daddy and Bebe (grandmother) yesterday and they were excited to see Pappy was in a treasure chest and the inside of it looked like a "baby's bed". Now, if only we could see things through such innocent and open eyes. In so many respects a casket is a treasure chest holding what is left of a loved one after the most important part has gone on to a better place, and how wonderful to think of the inside as a baby's bed since that is how we are welcomed into this world and now to leave it the same way. . . Once the funeral started the 4 year old wanted to know why they were closing Pappy up - but when I explained we were going to have a church service to tell Pappy good bye. She asked but why did they close the box and I told her they would put Pappy in the ground after the church service and she was satisfied. During the funeral she and her sister and cousin happily drew pictures and decorated with stickers only occasionally pausing to check out whatever was happening up front. Afterwards in the foyer the 4 year old asked me why her mommy was crying and I told her it was because she was sad because she was going to miss Pappy. Everyone milled about for a bit and she came back to me in a short time and said mommy was missing Pappy and also thinking about Pop. (I blogged earlier about the accident my parent were involved in and my father's long journey toward recovery). Both girls were excited about seeing Pappy go in the ground and as I reflect on the thought of a treasure chest - it is just that, the burial of a treasure. Pappy was a treasure to those who loved him here on Earth and one of God's treasures as well. Once more it takes a child to put into perspective those things with which we as adults see with such different eyes. I know I have said it before, but I want to see things like a child, for it's purity, it's innocence, it's beauty and it's joy!

How I Spent My Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day is a commerical bonanza for retailers - enough said.

My sweetie had planned to cook dinner for me and have it ready when I got home from taking my mom to see my dad. The visit with dad was a mix of feelings. He had managed to have a flower for my mom which was such a sweet gesture. Evidently the staff at the nursing center put a flower on the meal trays for the patients for Valentine's and my dad saved a lovely orange/red tulip for mom - his Valentine. He always brought her flowers for Valentine's. His mental state though was not at it's best and he was not as emotionally up as I would like to have seen him.

I digress - Earlier my sweetie had called me and told me his brother was gonna be at the regular Thursday night Hold 'Em game at the "hangout". Now my husband and his brothers have not always had the best of relationships so when ever either of his brothers call and want to hang out I encourage it. Thus I said "You should go play tonight". My sweetie didn't want me to feel neglected on this "holiday of romance" and said he would only go if I came and played too. Now I do love me some Texas Hold 'Em and he does have a nice group of guys to hang out with so..... for Valentine's I played Hold 'Em with my husband, his brother and 3 other guys. I had a great time. I also won $35 . . . not bad, huh?! What was the best was that I spent time with my husband doing something we both enjoy and spent time with friends.

When the game broke up we grabbed a bit to eat at a nearby eatery with one of the other guys and had another wonderful time in fellowship. All in all I have to say it was one of the best times I have ever had for Valentine's. No waiting in a long line for dinner or spending a small fortune on a "romantic meal". I did receive a beautiful single pink rose at the end of the evening - a beautiful period at the end of wonderful evening spent doing something fun with someone I love which is just one of the great things that love is all about . . . just spending time together.

I'm Blessed!

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He is a tender, romantic soul. He wrote me a love note the other day even though he was pretty sick and feeling very badly. He loves me and strives to help me love myself. He is such a light in my life - the only light brighter than his is the light of my Savior who I know loves me more than all those people in my life who love me put together. People talk about being a living example of love and my husband is and it is one of the many things I love about him.

I just had to shout it to the world!

Old Barns

A dear friend forwarded this story to me and I know she is an angel because it is something I needed to hear.

A PERSPECTIVE ABOUT OLD BARNS
A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to thinking. He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway.
I told him right off he was crazy.
He was a city type, you could tell by his clothes, his car, his hands, and the way he talked.
He said he was driving by and saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass and wanted to know if it was for sale.
I told him he had a funny idea of beauty.
Sure, it was a handsome building in its day. But then, there's been a lot of winters pass with their snow and ice and howling wind. The summer sun's beat down on that old barn till all the paint's gone, and the wood has turned silver gray.
Now the old building leans a good deal, looking kind of tired. Yet, that fellow called it beautiful.
That set me to thinking.
I walked out to the field and just stood there, gazing at that old barn. The stranger said he planned to use the lumber to line the walls of his den in a new country home he's building down the road. He said you couldn't get paint that beautiful.
Only years of standing in the weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun, only that can produce beautiful barn wood.
It came to me then. We're a lot like that, you and I. Only it's on the inside that the beauty grows with us.
Sure we turn silver gray too... and lean a bit more than we did when we were young and full of sap.
But the Good Lord knows what He's doing. And as the years pass He's busy using the hard weather of our lives, the dry spells and the stormy seasons to do a job of beautifying our souls that nothing else can produce. And to think how often folks holler because they want life easy!
They took the old barn down today and hauled it away to beautify a rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and I'll be hauled off to Heaven to take on whatever chores the Good Lord has for us on the Great Sky Ranch.
And I suspect we'll be more beautiful then for the seasons we've been through here... and just maybe even add a bit of beauty to our Father's house.
May there be peace within you today.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

More Waxing Philosophical

The Gambler sung by Kenny Rogers contains a line that says:

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em;
Know when to walk away and know when to run.

I don't know why but I have been thinking about this line a lot lately. I wrote about my father and the accident my parents were involved in a while back. Lately things have been rocky, my father who is a control freak has been reacting very negatively to his loss of control in life. He resents being told what to do by therapist who are trying to help him recover. I have tried to be supportive and encouraging but where do you quit banging your head against a brick wall. He is controlling the only thing he can, his recovery but to his detriment. Sometime ya gotta quit chasing the straight, flush or whatever hand it is and just let the cards be dealt again.

Unexpected Contemplation

I came across another thought provoking quote yesterday. I love John Wayne but had never thought of him as a philosopher or deep thinker but this is attributed to him:

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clear. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.
John Wayne

This little quote got me to thinking about how many things come to us clear and perfect and how do we treat those things. For example our children, relationships, opportunities and miracles. How often do we take something perfect and mess it up. Oh, I know we are human and flawed so naturally we will make mistakes but knowingly make bad decisions? knowingly take the wrong route? knowingly tell God that we know better than He what we need or what needs to happen? I make many mistakes on a daily, nay, hourly basis but this little quote gives me cause to consider more carefully those gifts that are laid before me. Do I learn from my yesterdays? and can I make my tomorrows better than the day before?

The Joy and Angst of Childhood

The Swing

From Child's Garden of Verses


How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!


Bed in Summer

From Child's Garden of Verses

In winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle-light.
In summer quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people's feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

Enjoy the Hot Chocolate . . .

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups -porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate. When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each others cups. Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate.

I have been getting some really thought provoking items forwarded to me in my email. I especially liked this one as it make several very good points. All too often we get caught up in selfishness and what "it" looks like from the outside. What we need to be concerned with is happiness and what is on the inside.

A New Beginning!

As 2008 started I was wondering if 2008 was just going to be a continuation of 2007. We started the year with more hospitalizations but thankfully both my aunt and my sister's mother-in-law are both home and recuperating nicely. Further glad tidings came on Wednesday, as my husband will not have to have surgery on his neck but instead will only have to face therapy and possibly a series of shots. God is Good!!! My dad, who had faced a setback after he had an infection settle in a gland in his jaw area is also recovering and his attitude toward therapy and recovery has turned a positive corner. Again God is Very Good!!! I never doubted God but I was wondering what was going on. I sometimes wonder if I am doing it right when I carry on a nearly continuous conversation in my head with God. I wonder if a psychologist would dub me "tetched" but I think I would go nuts without all those talks. In the midst of all this "stuff" his voice kept telling me "it's no big deal" and "it will all be ok". I guess even better than hearing all this is the fact that I really heard Him and believed it.

Right now, my husband and I are on a hunt for a new church home. We have visited a few but none have been quite right yet. We have some specific things we are looking for but I am especially looking for God to say "this one's it, this one is home !" The best thing is that I know He will tell us when we finally find the church He is waiting for us to find.

A friend sent me this - I don't know where it came from and I don't know who wrote it but I want to share it with you.

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED

I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least
that's what I heard him say one night.

He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are
you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives
are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long
after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world
Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties
during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in
which he is an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he
always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed,
that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every
Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever
dissatisfied with his monotonous life?

Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to
walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for
dinner, a nd later to bed.

The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly
over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied.

He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple
work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before
dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for
his next day's laundry chores.

And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin
to the airport to hav e a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate
loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to
Chi-car-go!' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.

His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.

He doesn't know what it means to be discontent.

His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not
care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs
have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When
he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in
it.

He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job
until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.

He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when
you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry
when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere.
And he trusts God.

Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as
a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way
that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his
closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity I envy the
security Kevin has in his simple faith.

It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge
that rises above my mortal questions

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap . I
am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become
disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has
spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and
soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed
at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the
simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won't be surprised at all!

All I can say after that is that I want to be like Kevin. I want to find the simple joys in life and know that God lives under my bed.